Morgan McSweeney has gone for a Burton. Sir Keir is eyeing the suitcases in the loft at No.10. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is tackling the cardboard boxes down in deepest Norfolk. What care I? Everyone is obsessed by Jan Leeming and her anti-kids in pricey restaurants stance.

Jan, 84, and a pal lunched at The Pig in Canterbury. Afterwards the former newsreader complained on X that the experience had been "slightly spoiled by a screaming child". Cue sympathetic messages from followers claiming PTSD from exposure to children in exclusive eateries. Their vehement conclusion: that any hostelry worth its crystalised sea-salt should ban under 18s.

The mother of the marauding toddler suggested Leeming avoid pubs with children's menus if she can't abide infants. Leeming doubled down, insisting parents should train their offspring "like dogs to be socially acceptable in public".

Obviously, your columnist would be happiest bestriding the fence on this polarising issue. Declare my hand and I'll alienate either those who think the clatter and chatter of small people as hors d'oeuvres-enhancing as an operatic aria, or those who prefer to imbibe their soup in sepulchral silence.

Taking my courage in both hands, let me dive in and reveal I am a baby fanatic. Of course, I'm not keen on persistent screamers, especially in the next row on a plane, but I'm much more likely to offer to give the yeller a comforting bounce or my bunch of keys to rattle than rush to rant on social media.

Children are meant to be noisy disrupters - at least some of the time. We don't want them, heads bowed, brows furrowed, staring silently at screens or the ceiling. They are programmed to fidget, hide under the table and throw doughballs at their siblings. The only way to familiarise them with the restrictive rules of fine dining is on-the-spot immersion.

Of course, we should make sure their behaviour doesn't ruin the meal for fellow munchers. Naturally, we should keep the volume down and the dashing about under control. Yes, it's a good idea to consume one course only, order in advance and dip in and out at speed but eating in a place purged of children ispositively funereal.

There's no reason why parents should go into purdah. Jan should take finger puppets next time she's hungry and try to remember - although it was an awfully long time ago - she was young herself once.